Question: Dear Emma, I am a 35 year old single mom with 5 children ranging from the age of 14-4.I want to date and eventually have a serious relationship and get married but it seems like its never going to happen. It seems hard to find a decent hard working man in town to date?

K. from Michigan

Unfortunately, you actually haven’t asked Emma any questions. If you put a question mark at the end of a statement, it does not make it a question.

One note that Emma would like to make is that you would definitely need a hard working man if you have 5 children. That is a great deal of responsibility for any person to take on and being that you have children, your selection criteria should be even more narrow.

One suggestion is that you look beyond the “town” if you are having trouble finding a man. They may be out there somewhere! Good luck!

Question: Hi Emma: I have a girlfriend who had a terrible Father figure who was very mean to her while she was growing up. He would throw things and have fits and would be very violent if things didn't go right. Every once in awhile she seems to act like her father and it brings on a lot of arguing and just like how her father was, there is no compromising when she gets in that mode. What do I do?

B. from Michigan

Are you saying that she is violent with property or physically assaultive? Any amount of physical violence should definitely not be tolerated. If you plan on any future with her that could include children, she will need to get a handle on her anger. People respond to disappointment and frustration in different ways. If she lived in a vacuum with no outside contact, her anger and frustration could be thought of as appropriate in her own world. If she wants to tear up her own property and then deal with the natural consequences of cleaning it up, that’s her prerogative.

When we make the decision to invite people in to our own weird little worlds, we are responsible for how we interface and connect within that content. That being said, you are responsible for your own participation in continuing the dysfunction. It is definitely true that it takes two people to engage in an argument. If you don’t trust Emma’s insight on this, stay completely quiet when your girlfriend attempts to engage you in an argument. Pretty quickly, it becomes apparent that it is not an argument, but a tirade. It is helpful to know that these are skills that she has been taught in how to deal with problems, but the most important point is that she is now an adult.

With that comes the freedom to agree or disagree with the craziness that we learn as kids. When we figure out that our parents were human beings too with their own faults, we need to use our own experiences to filter out what is useful and what does us more harm than good. That is the expectation of being an adult. If this weren’t true, we would all still expect to fall of the face of the planet when we got to the end of it. You also have the responsibility as an adult to determine who you want to accept into your own world. Who helps to make you a better person and who seems to be latched on to your leg trying to hold you down with all of their weight? Shake them off and continuing stepping as you make your way to where you want to be.

Question: Dear Emma, I am pregnant and wanted a break from my bf. It has only been a couple days and I want to be able to start a family with him but he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. How do I talk to him to get him to give it another shot? We both still love each other....

T. from Minnesota

It would appear to Emma that you have jumped the gun a bit and have started a family already. That’s what it means when you have a baby. Whether your boyfriend is a part of that family or not, you are definitely a family. Placing someone in a position in which things are unclear and filled with starts and stops can make people a bit jumpy. When you decided to take a “break” from your boyfriend, you made a decision that impacted both of you. Your decision to leave him may have been sound.

Whatever the reasons, we get to control the decision to leave or stay but the cost is that you don’t get to control when or if you return. In love, Emma is pretty certain that you talk to those whom you love. You mention that you both love each other, but that is difficult to prove if you don’t speak. You may need to reassess your definition of love if it does not include verbal contact. Part of being a parent will involve thinking beyond what you want right now. You will need to consider the future impact or consequences in order to make the very best decisions for you and your child. You can’t live in the “here and now” in a productive way when you are a parent. It’s a sound idea to weight out the potential consequences when making life-changing decisions and to be willing to accept the outcome in whatever way it manifests itself.

We all get to make mistakes, but we are all not guaranteed a second chance. You can not make the father of your baby talk with you or reengage in a relationship with you. It will be a good growing experience to recognize your inability to control other people now as you prepare to be a parent. One thing is definitive in parenting: children do not perceive themselves as being required to follow what the parent tells them. Same goes with your boyfriend. If he does decide to listen openly to you, take that opportunity to be honest with him regarding how you feel and what your plans are as a parent. If he chooses to decline the interview with you, you will need to accept that and move on with the greatest interest of your child in mind. Good luck!